Dr. Floyd Godfrey

Sexual abuse is a devastating experience for any child, but when it comes to boys, the silence surrounding the issue can be especially isolating. Studies show that boys who are sexually abused often keep it a secret for years, if they ever disclose it at all. This silence isn't just due to fear—it's a complex mix of societal expectations, personal shame, and confusion. Wright and Loiselle (1997) discuss several factors that contribute to boys’ reluctance to share their experiences of abuse. These include feeling unable to stop the abuse, societal pressure to "tough it out," the strangeness of the experience, and fear of judgment.

Couldn't Stop It Alone

One of the most distressing feelings boys experience during sexual abuse is the overwhelming sense of helplessness. Many victims believe they should have been able to stop it, and their inability to do so often leads to deep feelings of guilt. As Wright and Loiselle (1997) note, “A boy can get really angry at himself for not being able to stop it” (p. 24). This anger is often directed inward, which can fuel self-hatred and create a barrier to seeking help. These boys may not realize that they were powerless in those situations, and as a result, the shame they carry prevents them from reaching out. Understanding that no child has the capacity to stop sexual abuse on their own is crucial in helping boys heal from these experiences.

Toughing It Out

Societal expectations play a significant role in shaping how boys respond to trauma. From a young age, boys are often taught to be strong and independent, to solve their own problems without asking for help. By the time boys reach school age, this pressure to be tough becomes deeply ingrained. Wright and Loiselle (1997) explain, “By the time they are in school, a lot of guys have come to believe that they can’t tell anyone when they have a problem, that they just need to be tough” (p. 25). In the context of sexual abuse, this belief can be particularly harmful. Rather than viewing their situation as one where they need help, boys may feel they are failing if they can’t handle the trauma on their own. This can prevent them from confiding in trusted adults, therapists, or peers, perpetuating their sense of isolation.

It’s Too Weird

Another factor that contributes to boys’ silence is the confusion and discomfort surrounding the experience itself. Many boys struggle to understand what happened to them, particularly if the abuse involved someone they knew and trusted. The strangeness of the situation may leave them feeling that their experience is too bizarre to share. Sexual abuse often involves elements that feel deeply confusing for boys, such as unwanted physical responses or uncertainty about the abuser’s intentions. This confusion can compound feelings of shame, making the abuse feel too "weird" or "different" to tell anyone about. Creating an environment where boys feel safe expressing their confusion without fear of judgment is essential in helping them process and heal from the abuse.

What Will You Think of Me?

One of the most pervasive reasons boys keep silent is the fear of how others will react. They may worry that if they disclose the abuse, they will be judged or rejected. This fear is particularly pronounced when boys worry about being perceived as weak, or worse, complicit in the abuse. Many survivors of sexual abuse feel a strong sense of stigma, believing that others will view them differently if they know what happened. Fear of judgment from friends, family members, or authority figures often discourages boys from speaking up, even when they desperately need help. The societal myth that males should always be strong and in control creates an additional barrier for boys trying to seek support after abuse.

Although these factors make it difficult for boys to disclose sexual abuse, therapeutic interventions can provide the safe space they need to begin the healing process. Creating a supportive environment where boys can express their emotions without fear of judgment is critical. Therapists, counselors, and caregivers can help boys understand that abuse is never their fault and that asking for help is a sign of strength, not weakness. As mental health professionals, we have a responsibility to break down these barriers and encourage boys to speak up so they can begin their journey toward recovery.

Floyd Godfrey, PhD is a Certified Mental Health Coach and has been guiding clients since 2000. He currently speaks and provides consulting and mental health coaching across the globe. To learn more about his services please visit his website: www.FloydGodfrey.com.

References

Wright, L. B., & Loiselle, M. B. (1997). Back On Track - Boys Dealing With Sexual Abuse. Safer Society Press.