Dr. Floyd Godfrey

Sexual abuse among boys is a complex and deeply misunderstood issue. Many boys who experience abuse are unsure whether what happened to them even qualifies as abuse. This confusion often arises from the imbalance of power in the relationship and the emotional manipulation used by the abuser. In my clinical work with boys who have been sexually abused, I’ve seen how these dynamics make it difficult for them to recognize their experiences as abusive. Wright and Loiselle (1997) offer critical insights into these challenges, especially when the abuse doesn’t feel harmful to the boy at the time.

Defining Sexual Abuse

Sexual abuse can be difficult for boys to define, especially when the lines between caring relationships and abuse are blurred. Legally, the definition is straightforward: “Any sexual contact an adult has with a child or teenager is legally considered abuse” (Wright & Loiselle, 1997, p. 33). However, for the child experiencing it, things are often far more confusing. The boy may not understand what is happening or recognize the encounter as sexual. This is particularly common in situations where the abuser is a trusted figure, such as a family member, friend, or authority figure.

For many boys, the lack of clear understanding around sexual behaviors complicates their ability to see the situation for what it is. Wright and Loiselle (1997) explain that “some boys may not have known enough about sexual behaviors to know that anything unusual was going on. The abuser used his or her knowledge to trick the boy” (p. 34). In these cases, boys often feel a sense of betrayal only after learning what occurred was inappropriate or illegal.

Power Dynamics in Sexual Abuse

A key aspect of sexual abuse is the misuse of power. This power can take several forms—physical power, personal influence, or even the abuser’s knowledge of sexual behaviors. Sexual abuse is not just about the act itself; it is about one person using their power to control or manipulate another. Wright and Loiselle (1997) explain that “sexual abuse happens when one person misuses his or her power over another person” (p. 34). In my practice, I’ve observed how boys are often unaware of the power imbalance at play, especially when the abuse is carried out in the context of a trusted relationship.

Physical power is one of the more visible forms of control, especially when the abuser is physically stronger or larger than the boy. However, emotional and psychological manipulation is equally damaging. In many cases, the abuser’s authority, experience, or personal relationship with the boy makes it difficult for the boy to resist or even question what is happening. This imbalance of power leaves boys vulnerable, confused, and often unaware of their right to say “no.”

When Abuse Doesn’t Feel Like Abuse

One of the most troubling aspects of working with sexually abused boys is helping them navigate the confusion surrounding their feelings about the abuse. Many boys find it hard to label their experience as abusive, particularly if they enjoyed the attention or physical sensations involved. As Wright and Loiselle (1997) observe, “One difficult thing about sexual abuse is how confusing it is, especially if you like the person or liked the feeling” (p. 37). This emotional conflict can leave boys feeling guilty, ashamed, or even complicit in their own abuse.

In my clinical experience, boys often struggle to reconcile the positive feelings they had during the abuse with the realization that it was harmful. For example, if the abuser was someone the boy trusted and cared for, the boy may be reluctant to see that person as a predator. This confusion can delay disclosure and complicate the healing process. It’s important for mental health professionals to acknowledge this confusion and help boys understand that feelings of affection or physical pleasure do not mean the abuse was their fault.

Healing from the Confusion

Understanding the complexities of sexual abuse and its impact on boys is critical in helping them heal. The confusion they experience around power, trust, and pleasure requires a compassionate and patient approach in therapy. Boys need to know that they were never responsible for what happened to them, and that sexual abuse always involves an inappropriate use of power by the abuser. Through therapeutic support, boys can learn to process these conflicting emotions and begin their journey toward recovery.

Floyd Godfrey, PhD is a Certified Mental Health Coach and has been guiding clients since 2000. He currently speaks and provides consulting and mental health coaching across the globe. To learn more about his services, please visit his website: www.FloydGodfrey.com.

References

Wright, L. B., & Loiselle, M. B. (1997). Back On Track - Boys Dealing With Sexual Abuse. Safer Society Press.