By Dr. Floyd Godfrey, PhD
The Longing for Fatherhood and Mentorship
Every boy carries an internal blueprint for bonding with a father or trusted male figure. This bond is meant to affirm his identity, provide guidance, and model emotional and relational integrity. When this connection is healthy and secure, it nurtures confidence, emotional regulation, and a sense of safety. But when a father is absent, emotionally unavailable, abusive, or passive, a deficit forms—a wound often referred to as “father hunger.” The ache for male validation does not disappear; it merely shifts underground, becoming a quiet and unresolved longing.
When the Need Becomes Distorted
This legitimate need for male attachment can become distorted when the child’s emotional pursuit for affirmation is ignored, dismissed, or shamed. Over time, the boy may begin to sexualize that longing—not because he desires sex, but because the emotional gap is so profound that the brain unconsciously seeks closeness and fuses the emotional need with sexual energy. As Jay Stringer explains, the origins of unwanted sexual behavior are often rooted in earlier unmet needs and emotional injuries. The sexual behavior becomes a metaphorical attempt to resolve pain or to access a longed-for closeness that was never offered in non-sexual ways (Stringer, 2018).
The Role of Eroticized Bonding
When a boy begins to eroticize his need for male affirmation, it may manifest through sexualized fantasies involving older men, authority figures, or imagined scenarios where he feels chosen, desired, or accepted. This phenomenon is a sexualized attachment—a fusion of attachment drive with sexuality. These fantasies are not about lust, but about trying to reclaim a relationship that should have been safe and nurturing. Unfortunately, they often bring guilt and confusion, further masking the underlying emotional pain that drives them.
Healing Through Emotional Reconnection
Healing begins with understanding. Once a young man sees that his sexualized yearning is rooted in legitimate attachment needs, shame begins to unravel. Therapeutic support, coaching, and safe relationships can help him separate the sexual expression from the emotional need. He can then work to grieve the relationship he didn’t have and begin building new, affirming connections with male mentors or peers. The importance of these restorative relationships—not to “fix” the person, but to meet the emotional needs in healthy, non-sexual ways that promote true identity development.
Moving from Fantasy to Fulfillment
What once felt like a secret burden can become the very door to healing. By confronting the emotional wounds underlying sexualized father-longing, young men can begin to release the fantasy and rediscover the real, relational intimacy they were always meant to have. Father hunger, when acknowledged and grieved, becomes a pathway—not a prison. In reclaiming these unmet needs, men find not only healing but wholeness.
Floyd Godfrey, PhD is a Clinical Sexologist and a Certified Sex Addiction Specialist. He has been guiding clients since 2000 and currently speaks and provides consulting and mental health coaching across the globe. To learn more about Floyd Godfrey, PhD please visit his website: www.FloydGodfrey.com.
References
Godfrey, F. (2022). Healing & Recovery: Perspective for Young Men with Sexualized Attachments. Healing & Recovery, LLC.
Stringer, J. (2018). Unwanted: How Sexual Brokenness Reveals Our Way to Healing. NavPress.
