By Floyd Godfrey, PhD

Emotional Competence and the Challenges of Addiction
Over my years working with individuals battling sexual addiction, I’ve seen a common thread: difficulty managing emotional distress. It’s as though their emotional world feels like an unpredictable storm—intense, overwhelming, and impossible to control. Emotional competence, the ability to recognize and appropriately respond to one’s feelings and those of others, is a skill many of these individuals never learned. As Corley and Schneider (2012) put it, “A person who is emotionally competent can identify not only how he or she is feeling, but can identify the feeling states of those around them and respond appropriately” (p. 10).

Unfortunately, many of my clients share stories of growing up in environments where these skills were neither taught nor modeled. Trauma and neglect in their formative years left them unequipped to navigate their emotions, often leading to the development of addictive behaviors as coping mechanisms.

Trauma, Neglect, and Emotional Dysregulation
When I work with clients, they often tell me about childhoods marked by instability. Some describe homes filled with chaos, where their feelings were ignored or dismissed. Others recount neglect, where they felt invisible and unworthy of attention. As Corley and Schneider (2012) explain, “Unfortunately, many addicts did not learn these important lessons because in childhood they experienced trauma and neglect” (p. 10).

These early experiences disrupt a child’s ability to learn healthy emotional regulation. As they grow, unresolved feelings of pain, shame, and confusion linger, making it difficult for them to cope with life’s inevitable challenges. For many, sexual addiction becomes an escape—a way to momentarily silence the chaos inside.

Addiction as a Coping Mechanism for Emotional Pain
Addiction is rarely about the behavior itself; it’s about what that behavior provides. In my sessions, clients often admit they turn to sexual behaviors or other addictions not for pleasure, but for relief. Corley and Schneider (2012) describe it well: “Addicts’ strategy for controlling their impulses and altering uncomfortable emotional states involves numbing out, going to extremes, using some substance or engaging in a harmful behavior or both in order to change how they feel” (p. 11).

Whether it’s a compulsion to view pornography, engage in risky sexual encounters, or use other addictive substances, these actions serve as temporary fixes. They numb feelings of sadness, anger, loneliness, or fear, creating the illusion of control. Yet over time, these behaviors amplify the very pain they’re meant to relieve.

Therapeutic Interventions and Recovery Strategies
Recovery requires courage. It means facing emotions that have been buried for years and learning new ways to process them. In my clinical work, I often guide clients through mindfulness practices, teaching them to sit with discomfort rather than fleeing from it. This approach helps clients develop emotional tolerance—a critical skill for breaking free from addiction’s grip.

Psychoeducation is another vital tool. Many clients are amazed to learn that their emotional struggles stem from early trauma rather than personal failure. Through this understanding, they can begin to reframe their experiences and reduce the shame they feel. Support groups also play a transformative role. Sharing their journey with others who understand fosters connection and reduces feelings of isolation.

Encouragement for Recovery
I often remind my clients that recovery is not about perfection—it’s about progress. Addiction recovery is challenging, but it’s also one of the most rewarding journeys they’ll ever take. As Corley and Schneider (2012) remind us, “Addicted people have difficulty managing their feelings...” (pp. 10-11). However, with intentional effort and therapeutic support, they can learn to embrace their emotions rather than avoid them.

I’ve had the privilege of witnessing clients grow from feeling overwhelmed by their emotional storms to navigating them with confidence and resilience. Recovery isn’t just about breaking free from addiction; it’s about reclaiming a life filled with meaning, connection, and hope.

Floyd Godfrey, PhD, is a Clinical Sexologist and a Certified Sex Addiction Specialist. He has been guiding clients since 2000 and currently speaks and provides consulting and mental health coaching across the globe. To learn more about Floyd Godfrey, PhD, please visit his website: www.FloydGodfrey.com.

References
Corley, M. D., & Schneider, J. P. (2012). Disclosing secrets: An addict’s guide for when, to whom, and how much to reveal. Recovery Resource Press.