By Dr. Floyd Godfrey
Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is more than an inflated sense of self-importance—it is a complex psychological struggle rooted in deep-seated emotional wounds, often centered around shame. This disorder affects relationships, mental health, and the ability to engage authentically with others. Sandy Hotchkiss (2003), a respected voice in understanding narcissistic traits, notes that “shame is among the most unbearable of human feelings, regardless of our age or station in life” (p. 4). For narcissists, this truth is especially haunting. Their very survival strategy is often built around avoiding the raw pain of shame, even at the cost of those around them.
Understanding the Role of Shame
Hotchkiss (2003) explains that “in the Narcissist, shame is so intolerable that the means have been developed not to experience it at all” (p. 5). This profound intolerance results in a variety of psychological defense mechanisms. One of the most toxic is known as shame transference—a process whereby the narcissist projects or "dumps" their shame onto someone else. She writes, “the most toxic of these is a process whereby they transfer to someone else whatever evokes shameful feelings in themselves” (p. 9). This emotional transference is not a conscious decision; it is a survival mechanism rooted in the narcissist’s need to dissociate from feelings of defectiveness.
Sexual Wounds and Projected Accusations
Shame transference becomes particularly damaging in the context of sexual wounds or dysfunction. Many individuals with narcissistic traits may carry unresolved sexual guilt or trauma. Instead of confronting these painful emotions, they often accuse others—sometimes a partner or close friend—of behaviors or motives that reflect their own hidden struggles. In these instances, innocent individuals may find themselves blindsided by false accusations or moral judgments. This is not simply gaslighting; it is the narcissist’s desperate attempt to preserve their fragile ego by projecting what they cannot bear to face within themselves.
Hotchkiss (2003) articulates this dynamic well: “when you cease to be of use in pumping up this person’s fragile ego, you, too, may feel that the air has suddenly been let out of your own ego” (p. 9). Such an experience can be deeply disorienting, often leaving the target of shame-dumping emotionally exhausted and questioning their own sense of worth or reality.
Therapeutic Perspectives on Narcissistic Defenses
Clinicians and coaches working with NPD must understand the inner world of the narcissist to create effective interventions. Central to narcissistic defenses is what Hotchkiss (2003) describes as “magical thinking, exploitive idealization, and the devaluation of others via shame-dumping and belittling,” which are “all attempts on the part of the Narcissist to avoid feeling defective and insignificant” (p. 10). These behaviors aren't about cruelty for its own sake—they are desperate efforts to protect a core self that feels broken or unlovable.
Therapeutic work often involves helping narcissistic individuals face their buried shame in a safe, contained environment. At the same time, it is critical for therapists and loved ones to maintain strong emotional boundaries. Enabling or accepting repeated transference can reinforce the narcissist’s unhealthy coping strategies.
Hope and Healing
While narcissistic behaviors can be damaging, both to the individual and to those around them, recovery and growth are possible. It begins with confronting the shame they work so hard to avoid and developing more adaptive methods of coping. Those impacted by narcissistic behavior—especially through blame or false accusations—should seek support to untangle themselves from the toxic patterns and restore a grounded sense of self-worth.
Floyd Godfrey PhD is a Certified Mental Health Coach and has been guiding clients since 2000. He currently speaks and provides consulting and mental health coaching across the globe. To learn more about his services please visit his website: www.FloydGodfrey.com.
References
Hotchkiss, S. (2003). Why is it always about you?: Saving yourself from the Narcissists in your life. Free Press.
