Dr. Floyd Godfrey

In relationships, many people face mental and emotional frustration rooted in their inability to set and maintain boundaries. Without healthy boundaries, people may experience feelings of resentment, anger, and ultimately, emotional burnout. Author Nedra Glover Tawwab sheds light on how failing to set boundaries can harm relationships: "We don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, so we allow issues to fester. Then we inevitably become resentful, angry, or frustrated" (Tawwab, 2021, p. 44). This cycle of unspoken needs and unresolved conflict can erode the foundation of a relationship, leading to avoidance or complete emotional cutoff from others.

Why People Avoid Setting Boundaries

The decision to avoid boundary-setting is often driven by a fear of conflict and a desire to preserve harmony. However, this avoidance comes with long-term costs. Initially, many people suppress their discomfort to maintain a superficial peace. Over time, though, unresolved issues build up, leading to emotional fatigue and resentment. Tawwab (2021) points out that avoiding boundaries to protect others' feelings can create a situation where frustration festers, setting up a scenario where emotional blowouts and breakdowns are likely.

Avoiding boundaries is also linked to deeper psychological needs for acceptance and fear of rejection. Many individuals are concerned that asserting their needs may disrupt the relationship or alienate the other person. As a result, they keep their concerns unspoken, expecting the other person to intuitively recognize their limits. Unfortunately, when this expectation remains unmet, frustration ensues, not just because the boundary was ignored, but because it was never expressed to begin with.

The Consequences of Poor Boundaries

When boundaries are absent, they create fertile ground for resentment and emotional stress. Individuals in such relationships may feel undervalued or unheard, leading to internal conflict and a diminishing of self-worth. In personal and professional relationships alike, poor boundaries can erode the trust and respect necessary for healthy connections. Consequently, people might oscillate between feeling overwhelmed by the demands of others and withdrawing to protect their emotional resources.

When this tension becomes too great, people often feel they have no other option but to sever the relationship. As Tawwab observes, "Cutoffs happen as a result of believing that the other person is incapable of change, that they won’t honor our boundary, or that we have let things go so far that we’re no longer interested in repairing the relationship" (Tawwab, 2021, p. 45). This extreme action of cutting someone off is often the result of prolonged frustration, leaving little room for meaningful repair or reconciliation.

Educational Strategies for Healthy Boundaries

Teaching individuals how to set and communicate boundaries is crucial for their well-being. Therapists and coaches can help clients understand that setting boundaries is not an act of selfishness but a step toward healthier relationships. Encouraging clients to approach boundary-setting with empathy, clarity, and consistency can help them recognize that these actions build stronger, more resilient connections.

Educating clients on assertiveness and communication skills can also empower them to articulate their needs more effectively. Assertive communication allows people to convey their feelings and boundaries respectfully, fostering mutual understanding. Role-playing and practicing these conversations in therapy can provide individuals with the confidence they need to establish boundaries in their everyday lives.

Therapeutic Interventions to Restore Relationships

In cases where poor boundaries have led to relationship strain, therapeutic intervention can be instrumental in facilitating healing. Therapy provides a safe space for both parties to express their concerns and work towards restoring mutual respect. Techniques like guided communication and conflict resolution enable individuals to navigate their differences without reverting to avoidance or cutoff.

Reframing the boundary-setting process can also be powerful, especially for individuals who struggle with guilt or fear of rejection. Therapy can help clients see boundaries not as barriers but as enablers of intimacy and respect. By shifting their perspective, individuals may become more comfortable with setting and enforcing boundaries, reducing the likelihood of resentment and cutoff.

Encouraging clients to repair strained relationships through open dialogue and boundary-setting can offer them a pathway to reconnection. While not all relationships are salvageable, many can be strengthened through mutual commitment to honoring boundaries. This therapeutic process can transform relationships, allowing individuals to experience deeper and more meaningful connections without the weight of unresolved issues.

Ultimately, boundary-setting is essential to mental and emotional well-being. It enables individuals to assert their needs and maintain a sense of self-worth, allowing relationships to thrive without falling into cycles of resentment and avoidance. For those who struggle with boundary-setting, therapy offers tools to help them reclaim their voice and foster healthier connections.

Floyd Godfrey, PhD is a Certified Mental Health Coach and has been guiding clients since 2000. He currently speaks and provides consulting and mental health coaching across the globe. To learn more about his services please visit his website: www.FloydGodfrey.com.

References

Tawwab, N. G. (2021). Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself. TarcherPerigee.