By Floyd Godfrey, PhD

Shame often drives individuals struggling with pornography addiction to seek change. However, I have witnessed firsthand how shame—whether internalized or externally imposed—fails to create long-term recovery. Both men and youth can feel trapped in cycles of shame, sometimes believing that self-hatred or guilt is the only path to change. While shame may provide temporary motivation, research and clinical experience demonstrate its inefficacy for sustainable recovery.

The Psychology of Shame-Driven Change

Shame often serves as a motivator for people in addiction recovery, including those struggling with pornography. T.C. Ryan (2012), a pastor and expert in recovery from sex addiction, sheds light on why this approach is flawed. Ryan explains: "There are two reasons it is a very bad idea for us to use shame for modifying or controlling our behavior. First, even though shame can cause us to alter our behavior, at least for a while, we are not utilizing self-control out of love for ourselves or someone else" (p. 69).

When people change due to shame, their motivation stems from a desire to alleviate emotional pain rather than foster self-respect or meaningful connection. The shame may prompt short-term behavioral changes, but these are often superficial, lacking the depth required for sustained transformation. I’ve seen many clients whose shame-driven efforts create patterns of avoidance, secrecy, or even deeper feelings of inadequacy.

Shame and Its Reinforcement of Harmful Behaviors

One of the most concerning aspects of shame is its potential to reinforce the very behaviors it seeks to eliminate. Ryan highlights this paradox, noting, "Not only is shame ineffective in helping others or ourselves change our behavior, in some circumstances it actually reinforces the bad behavior" (p. 70-71). Individuals often turn to pornography to cope with feelings of unworthiness, perpetuating a cycle where shame both fuels and follows their addiction.

This cycle becomes particularly damaging for youth, who may already lack the emotional tools to process their struggles. For them, shame can lead to isolation, further embedding their reliance on unhealthy coping mechanisms. Recognizing this, therapists and coaches must shift from shaming tactics to methods that foster self-compassion and resilience.

A Path Toward Sustainable Recovery

True recovery begins when individuals replace shame-based motivation with a healthier foundation of self-acceptance and purpose. Ryan states, "We are changing to stop the pain. We don't like how it feels to be ashamed, so we do what we can to stop the pain, but that is not a healthy motivation for changing our behavior" (p. 69). Effective change arises not from escaping shame but from pursuing a life aligned with one’s values, relationships, and aspirations.

Therapeutic and coaching interventions play a crucial role in this shift. By encouraging self-awareness and cultivating positive coping strategies, professionals help individuals build intrinsic motivation for recovery. Evidence-based methods such as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), mindfulness practices, and group support foster lasting transformation by addressing the root causes of addiction.

Conclusion

Shame may seem like a powerful motivator, but it rarely leads to long-term healing from pornography addiction. For meaningful recovery, individuals must move beyond shame to embrace self-compassion, genuine accountability, and a commitment to growth. By reframing recovery as an opportunity for personal development rather than punishment, we can help clients break free from cycles of guilt and relapse, paving the way for enduring freedom.

Floyd Godfrey, PhD is a Clinical Sexologist and a Certified Sex Addiction Specialist. He has been guiding clients since 2000 and currently speaks and provides consulting and mental health coaching across the globe. To learn more about Floyd Godfrey, PhD please visit his website: www.FloydGodfrey.com

References
Ryan, T. C. (2012). Ashamed no more: A pastor’s journey through sex addiction. InterVarsity Press.