By Dr. Floyd Godfrey

The adolescent years are filled with exploration, risk-taking, and identity formation. Yet many teens walk through this season feeling deeply unseen. According to Clunan (2025), “Shame doesn’t happen to adolescents because they’re not getting attention. There is a failure to connect on emotional levels when they are reaching out for it.” The absence of emotional attunement in moments of need often breeds shame, which is the corrosive belief that one is unworthy of love or belonging. As these shame messages take root, adolescents begin to form their self-identity around isolation, internal criticism, and spiritual disconnection.

The Neurodevelopmental Need for Connection

Adolescent development is biologically and psychologically dependent on consistent emotional feedback. When caregivers respond with empathy and presence, the teen’s brain begins to form healthy pathways for emotional regulation and relational security. Clunan (2025) explains, “Adolescent development requires consistent empathy and attunements from caregivers. Without this, teens must build a sense of self alone, which is a task humans are not made for.” Left to construct identity in emotional isolation, teens form what Clunan calls “shame thoughts,” which are essentially “alone thoughts,” or narratives built in a vacuum, often distorted by internalized rejection and confusion.

This lack of connection can come from outright neglect or subtle invalidation. When caregivers, teachers, or spiritual leaders minimize emotional pain or dismiss distress, they unintentionally plant “seeds of shame” (Clunan, 2025). Over time, this invalidation fosters a belief that the adolescent’s needs are not worth meeting, damaging their sense of value and disrupting identity formation.

Church and the Adolescent Narrative

Faith communities hold potential to be healing spaces for adolescents but often fall short. “Churches often shut down the exploration of difficult emotions and processing moments” (Clunan, 2025). Teens who are struggling with doubt, grief, or mental health issues may feel forced to hide these experiences for fear of judgment. Instead of receiving empathy, they receive correction—often laced with theological pressure to "just have faith." This reinforces the belief that their emotional pain is a spiritual failure, deepening shame.

Instead, churches and faith leaders can become powerful allies in the healing process by encouraging honest dialogue, emotional literacy, and vulnerability. Clunan (2025) suggests helping teens “re-author their stories alongside the Holy Spirit.” This powerful image encourages caregivers and spiritual leaders to sit with teens in their confusion and pain, not to rush them through it, but to help them discover meaning and self-compassion in the process.

Developing Resilience Through Attuned Presence

Contrary to popular belief, resilience is not a personality trait but a teachable framework. “Resilience isn’t a trait. You are not born with it. It’s a set of learned behaviors, beliefs and habits,” says Clunan (2025). Teens develop this framework through reflective conversations with attuned adults; those who help them make sense of emotional pain, reframe experiences, and affirm their worth.

This includes emphasizing growth over performance. When adolescents take risks, adults should ask questions like, “What did you learn about yourself in that experience?” rather than focusing on outcomes. This cultivates a mindset of self-discovery and adaptive coping. Teaching self-compassion is another vital component. Teens often internalize harsh, critical self-talk. Through modeled and guided reflection, they can learn to shift from self-attack to compassionate inner dialogue. This practice combined with supportive connection, helps rewrite internal narratives that once echoed with shame.

Adolescents are not meant to navigate emotional and spiritual development alone. With attuned, empathetic adults who embrace honest dialogue and model compassion, they can transform pain into wisdom, shame into dignity, and isolation into relational strength.

Floyd Godfrey PhD is a Certified Mental Health Coach and has been guiding clients since 2000. He currently speaks and provides consulting and mental health coaching across the globe. To learn more about his services please visit his website: www.FloydGodfrey.com.

References
Clunan, M. (2025, September). Beyond shame: Nurturing resilience in adolescent development. AACC 2025 World Conference. Nashville; Gaylord Opryland Resort & Convention Center.