By Floyd Godfrey, PhD
Understanding the Need for Ammends
Sex addiction often leaves a trail of emotional damage in its wake, affecting not only the individual but also their loved ones. As part of recovery, repairing this relational damage is essential. Step Nine in Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA) highlights the importance of making amends. This goes beyond simply saying “I’m sorry.” It involves sincere efforts to understand the harm caused and taking actionable steps toward healing. As SAA notes, “It is often helpful to ask the people we harmed what they think we should do to help make things right... nothing can change the past” (Sex Addicts Anonymous, 2012, p. 51). While the past cannot be undone, the present offers a powerful platform for rebuilding trust.
Therapeutic Insights
Professionals such as Patrick Carnes and Kim Buck emphasize that the emotional betrayal associated with sex addiction can cause symptoms similar to post-traumatic stress in partners. Recovery work must therefore be trauma-informed and intentionally structured. One central principle is acknowledging the autonomy and emotions of those harmed. By engaging in honest conversations and showing consistent behavioral change, recovering addicts begin the long process of repairing broken bonds.
The work of making amends aligns with a therapeutic process that includes empathy development, self-awareness, and accountability. “Despite our best efforts and intentions in working this step, regaining the trust of those we have harmed is usually not a quick or easy matter” (Sex Addicts Anonymous, 2012, p. 51). This underscores the reality that relational healing unfolds gradually and often at a pace determined by those who have been hurt.
Living Differently
Verbal apologies, while important, are insufficient on their own. SAA clarifies that, “Our apologies will be seen as sincere only when it becomes evident that we now live differently” (Sex Addicts Anonymous, 2012, p. 51). This reflects a key therapeutic outcome: lifestyle transformation. The individual in recovery must demonstrate that they are no longer engaging in compulsive behaviors and are committed to integrity and honesty.
Therapists and coaches often encourage their clients to prepare written or spoken amends that are reviewed beforehand to ensure they are not self-serving or manipulative. Professionals such as Rob Weiss and Mark Laaser advocate for involving support systems like group therapy or a sponsor to hold the recovering addict accountable for the emotional labor required in this stage of healing.
Path Forward
Although the road to restoring trust is slow, it is not hopeless. SAA reminds us that “This does not keep us from doing our best to set things right in the present” (Sex Addicts Anonymous, 2012, p. 51). Recovery provides the opportunity for profound personal growth and relational healing. For many, making amends becomes a cornerstone of a new identity—one based on responsibility, emotional maturity, and genuine care for others.
The process is neither easy nor quick, but it is transformative. With the guidance of trained professionals and a commitment to living differently, individuals in recovery can rebuild the relationships they once damaged and experience the deeper connections that come from living with integrity.
Floyd Godfrey, PhD is a Clinical Sexologist and a Certified Sex Addiction Specialist. He has been guiding clients since 2000 and currently speaks and provides consulting and mental health coaching across the globe. To learn more about Floyd Godfrey, PhD please visit his website: www.FloydGodfrey.com
References
Sex Addicts Anonymous. (2012). Sex Addicts Anonymous (Green Book). International Service Organization of SAA, Inc.
