By Dr. Floyd Godfrey

Married couples often find themselves in seasons where intimacy begins to fade. Responsibilities pile up, communication grows shallow, and physical closeness is replaced by emotional distance. While these seasons are common, they don’t have to be permanent. With intentional effort, couples can rekindle intimacy and rediscover the connection that brought them together in the first place.

Christian counselors and authors Clifford and Joyce Penner offer a powerful framework for understanding and restoring intimacy within marriage. In their recent address, they said, “A covenant commitment is the machine that is central component of marriage. Effective communication is the fuel that keeps the machine running. A mutually satisfying sexual relationship is the lubricant that keeps the machine running smoothly” (Penner & Penner, 2025).

This image reminds us that intimacy is not merely physical—it is deeply emotional, spiritual, and relational. When all three parts are working together, the marriage thrives. When one or more areas break down, the entire relationship can begin to stall.

Covenant Commitment: The Foundation of Lasting Intimacy

In a world where many relationships are based on convenience or personal happiness, Christian marriage is grounded in covenant. This kind of commitment is not based on emotion or ease; it is based on faithfulness. When couples live with this mindset, they are more likely to weather seasons of distance without giving up.

Commitment creates safety. When both husband and wife know that the relationship is secure, they are free to be vulnerable, honest, and affectionate. The desire for intimacy grows in the soil of trust.

Communication: The Fuel That Keeps Love Alive

Many couples struggle with intimacy simply because they’ve stopped talking—really talking. Not just about schedules or kids, but about fears, dreams, needs, and emotions. Penner and Penner emphasize that effective communication is the fuel that keeps the marriage “machine” running.

This kind of communication doesn’t happen by accident. It requires time, listening, and a willingness to understand the other person’s perspective. Often, the most powerful step toward rekindling intimacy is simply making space for meaningful conversation.

Emotional Care Leads to Physical Closeness

The Penners also stress an essential truth: “When a woman feels cared for, she is more responsive to her husband.” Many husbands are unaware that emotional disconnection is one of the primary reasons for a decline in sexual intimacy. Affection, listening, and small acts of service are often the most powerful ways to show care.

This is not about manipulation or checking boxes. It’s about love that puts the other person’s needs first. For women especially, emotional intimacy is often the doorway to physical intimacy. When she feels safe, cherished, and heard, she is more likely to engage fully in the relationship.

Becoming a Student of Your Spouse

One of the most overlooked aspects of intimacy is learning. “The man should become a student of her wife,” the Penners advise. This means asking questions, paying attention, and adapting. What makes your wife feel loved? What brings her joy? What triggers stress or distance?

Likewise, wives can become students of their husbands—learning what communicates respect, admiration, and desire. Over time, people grow and change. What once worked may no longer be effective, so rekindling intimacy often involves rediscovery.

A Path Forward

For couples feeling distant, there is hope. Begin by renewing your covenant commitment. Make time for deep communication, and express care in intentional, tangible ways. Prioritize emotional connection, and be patient with the process of rebuilding.

Don’t shy away from seeking help if needed. Christian counselors, pastoral guidance, or trusted mentors can offer support. Above all, invite God into your journey. Ask Him to restore what has been lost and breathe new life into your relationship.

The journey of rekindling intimacy is not a one-time fix. It’s an ongoing act of love, sacrifice, and faith. But when both husband and wife lean into God’s design for marriage, they can experience a renewed closeness that blesses every area of life.

Floyd Godfrey PhD is a Board Certified Christian Counselor and has facilitated groups within different churches and denominations over the past 30 years. He worked as a licensed clinician for 23 years and provided supervision and training for other counselors as they worked toward independent licensure. You can read more about Floyd Godfrey PhD at www.FloydGodfrey.com.

Reference

Penner, C., & Penner, J. (2025, September). Building, Maintaining & Rekindling Intimacy in Relationships. AACC 2025 World Conference. Nashville; Tennessee.