By Dr. Floyd Godfrey

Boys navigate the world with distinct ways of expressing emotions and forming relationships, often challenging societal stereotypes. Understanding these nuances can strengthen bonds and promote healthier emotional development. Dr. William Pollack's insights in Real Boys: Rescuing Our Sons from the Myths of Boyhood (1999) offer valuable guidance for caregivers, educators, and mental health professionals.

Emotional Bonds Through Actions
Unlike girls who often build connections through direct communication, boys typically foster relationships through activities or actions. Pollack explains, "To initiate or deepen a friendship, girls may tend to do so directly through open verbal communication, but boys may take an indirect route, through an action or activity of some kind" (p. 68). This pattern is evident in rough-and-tumble play, which serves as a platform for boys to establish emotional bonds. Pollack further notes, "Little boys, too, may seek emotional bonds in indirect ways. With other boys, these bonds may be forged through exuberant, rough-and-tumble play" (p. 68).

Such behaviors often provide boys with an unspoken but deeply felt connection. Parents and educators should recognize these actions as valid emotional expressions rather than dismissing them as mere physicality. By participating in or encouraging constructive activities, adults can create opportunities for boys to express emotions while feeling understood and accepted.

Love Through Duty and Hard Work
Another way boys express care and responsibility is through their work ethic and willingness to take on responsibilities. Pollack highlights that "A boy's inclination to do hard work and willingness to take on duty and responsibilities—virtues traditionally celebrated as 'masculine'—may be shaped into a strong motivation not only for improving academic performance but also for caring for others in a disciplined way" (p. 71).

This motivation often manifests in acts of service, such as helping siblings or contributing to household chores. Mental health professionals can use this understanding to foster self-esteem in boys by framing these responsibilities as acts of love and competence. Highlighting the relational impact of their efforts reinforces positive behavior and self-perception.

A Deep Sense of Fairness
Boys often reveal their love and values through their intrinsic sense of fairness and justice. Pollack observes, "Another way boys show love that often falls outside stereotypical expectations is through their strong sense of fairness and justice. Boys will often sacrifice their own personal interests in an effort to be fair to others, especially those they care most about" (p. 73).

Recognizing and nurturing this characteristic can be transformative. Parents and teachers can celebrate boys’ fairness by acknowledging their sacrifices and encouraging dialogue about why fairness matters. This approach reinforces moral development while validating their emotional depth.

Educational Strategies for Deeper Understanding
Promoting emotional literacy is key to helping boys navigate their unique expressions of love and connection. Introducing activities that align with their preferred methods of bonding—such as team sports, collaborative projects, or service opportunities—can provide safe spaces for emotional development. Encouraging discussions about their actions and choices helps boys connect their behaviors with their emotions.

Therapeutic interventions, including play therapy or task-oriented approaches, can also foster emotional growth. These strategies validate boys’ natural tendencies, making them feel understood while encouraging emotional exploration.

Boys express their emotions in powerful, action-oriented ways that often go unrecognized. By appreciating and supporting these unique patterns, caregivers and professionals can create environments where boys thrive emotionally and relationally.

Floyd Godfrey PhD is a Certified Mental Health Coach and has been guiding clients since 2000. He currently speaks and provides consulting and mental health coaching across the globe. To learn more about his services please visit his website: www.FloydGodfrey.com.

References

Pollack, W. S. (1999). Real boys: Rescuing our sons from the myths of boyhood. Henry Holt & Co.