By Floyd Godfrey, PhD

Over the past twenty years, I’ve had the privilege of working closely with Dr. Kim Buck as together we helped partners of sex addicts maneuver through the minefield of betrayal. The revelation that their husband is a sex addict was often crushing and traumatic. Understanding the dynamics between individuals struggling with addiction and their loved ones is crucial. Traditionally, the concept of codependency has been the prevailing framework, suggesting that partners or family members of addicts may contribute to the problem by enabling harmful behaviors. However, a newer approach, known as prodependence, offers an alternative perspective that reframes the role of loved ones in a more empathetic and supportive light.

Understanding Codependency

Codependency, a term popularized in the late 20th century, describes a pattern where loved ones of addicts are thought to develop unhealthy attachments, often leading to enabling behaviors. The focus in codependency is on the need for loved ones to distance themselves from the addict’s behavior and work on their own personal issues, independent of the addict’s recovery. While this framework has provided valuable insights into the unhealthy dynamics that can arise in relationships affected by addiction, it has also been criticized for potentially pathologizing the natural, caring instincts of partners who are struggling to cope with their loved one’s addiction.

Prodependence: A Shift in Perspective

Prodependence, introduced by Dr. Rob Weiss and Dr. Kim Buck, presents a compassionate alternative to the codependency model. Rather than viewing partners and family members as part of the problem, prodependence acknowledges that their efforts to help their addicted loved ones stem from a place of love and concern. It suggests that these individuals are not dysfunctional for wanting to maintain a connection with the addict but are instead acting out of a deep, often desperate, desire to restore a healthy relationship.

This approach reframes the narrative, highlighting that the partners of addicts are often traumatized by their loved one’s behaviors and are frantically trying to restore a sense of normalcy and connection. Prodependence does not view these attempts as pathological but as natural and understandable reactions to a challenging and painful situation. As Weiss and Buck (2022) note, “Developing healthy intimate connections can be difficult, especially for addicts, who nearly always have histories of chronic childhood trauma and other forms of early-life dysfunction that can make intimate, adult attachments uncomfortable and difficult” (p. 37). This quote underlines the importance of recognizing the difficulties addicts face in forming and maintaining healthy relationships, a challenge that also profoundly affects their partners.

The Role of Support in Recovery

In the context of prodependence, the role of a supportive network becomes paramount. Instead of encouraging loved ones to detach from the addict’s recovery process, prodependence advocates for a collaborative approach where both the addict and their partners work together towards healing. Weiss and Buck (2022) emphasize that “for addicts, learning to trust, reducing shame, and becoming comfortable with emotional and social vulnerability takes time, ongoing effort, and a knowledgeable, willing, and empathetic support network” (p. 37). This perspective underscores the need for continuous, compassionate support as a crucial element in the recovery process.

Moreover, prodependence stresses that dependency in relationships is not inherently negative. On the contrary, Weiss and Buck (2022) assert that “No matter how evolved the self, all of us must lean into healthy, ongoing dependent relationships to survive and thrive” (p. 37). This idea challenges the notion that independence is the ultimate goal, instead promoting the value of interdependence and mutual support in relationships.

Educational Strategies

For therapists and counselors, adopting a prodependence approach involves educating both the addict and their loved ones about the importance of mutual support and understanding. This can be done through therapy sessions that focus on building trust, improving communication, and fostering a sense of teamwork in the recovery process. By helping both parties recognize that their struggles are intertwined, therapists can guide them towards a more harmonious and supportive relationship.

The Role of Therapeutic and Coaching Interventions

Therapeutic interventions in a prodependence framework are designed to empower both the addict and their partner. Coaches and therapists should work to alleviate the guilt and shame that often accompany the codependency label, instead encouraging partners to engage in the recovery process without feeling responsible for the addict’s behavior. This supportive approach helps to build resilience and fosters a healthier, more productive dynamic within the relationship.

In conclusion, the shift from a codependent to a healthy dependency within relationship perspective, represents a significant evolution in our understanding of the dynamics between addicts and their loved ones. By recognizing the natural and often heroic efforts of partners to support their addicted loved ones, prodependence offers a more compassionate and effective path to healing. This approach not only validates the experiences of partners but also enhances the overall recovery process, leading to more positive outcomes for all involved.

Floyd Godfrey, PhD is a Clinical Sexologist and a Certified Sex Addiction Specialist. He has been guiding clients since 2000 and currently speaks and provides consulting and mental health coaching across the globe. To learn more about Floyd Godfrey, PhD please visit his website: www.FloydGodfrey.com.

References

Weiss, R., & Buck, K. (2022). Practicing Prodependence: The Clinical Alternative to Codependency Treatment. Routledge.