By Floyd Godfrey, PhD

Many men grow up receiving incomplete or distorted messages about sexuality. Cultural narratives often portray male sexual desire as an uncontrollable force, leading some men to believe that sex is a fundamental necessity for survival. This misunderstanding can contribute to unhealthy relationship dynamics, entitlement, emotional distress, and compulsive sexual behaviors. For counselors, coaches, therapists, and individuals seeking recovery from problematic sexual behaviors, helping men distinguish between biological desire and genuine human needs can be an important step toward healthier sexual development and emotional maturity.

In The Sex Talk You Never Got, Jolman (2024) challenges a common misconception about male sexuality. He writes, “You need oxygen. You need food and water. You need sleep and shelter. You even need love and connection. You don't need sex” (pp. 20-21). This distinction is significant because it separates survival needs from sexual desires. While sexual feelings can be powerful and persistent, they do not occupy the same category as the biological requirements necessary for life.

Understanding the Difference Between Needs and Wants

Many men have been taught, either directly or indirectly, that sexual urges must be satisfied immediately. This belief can create anxiety and frustration when sexual opportunities are unavailable. Jolman (2024) further emphasizes this reality by noting, “As sex researcher Emily Nagoski points out, no one has ever died from lack of sex, though some have surely felt they might” (p. 21). He summarizes the concept simply: “It's a want, not a need” (p. 21).

Recognizing sexual desire as a want rather than a necessity empowers men to engage their sexuality with greater intentionality. Instead of viewing arousal as an emergency requiring immediate action, individuals can learn to tolerate discomfort, understand their emotional states, and make choices aligned with their values. This perspective encourages self-regulation rather than impulsive behavior.

Educational Strategies

Education about sexuality should include discussions about emotional regulation, body awareness, and healthy decision-making. When young men are taught that sexual feelings are normal biological experiences rather than urgent demands, they gain a healthier framework for understanding themselves. Professionals working in mental health settings can help clients identify the difference between physical arousal, emotional loneliness, stress, and the desire for intimacy.

Jolman (2024) explains that “Men get stuck relating to sexuality as a necessity, an urge they have to answer, something they are powerless to stop. This perspective keeps men from having a conversation with their bodies and sexuality, and puts them in survival-reaction mode” (p. 21). Effective education encourages curiosity and self-reflection rather than fear or shame.

The Role of Therapeutic and Coaching Interventions

Therapeutic and coaching interventions can help men develop a more balanced relationship with sexuality. Jay Stringer has emphasized the importance of understanding the deeper emotional drivers behind unwanted sexual behaviors, helping individuals explore the underlying needs that often become confused with sexual desire. Through counseling, coaching, and psychoeducation, men can learn to identify emotional triggers, challenge distorted beliefs, and develop healthier coping strategies.

Jolman (2024) offers a hopeful reminder: “Sex may be powerful, but you are not simply at its mercy” (p. 21). This message reinforces personal agency and responsibility. Men can learn to respond thoughtfully to sexual feelings rather than react automatically.

When individuals understand that sex is a powerful biological desire rather than a basic survival need, they often experience greater freedom, emotional stability, and relational health. This shift in perspective creates opportunities for growth, healthier relationships, and long-term recovery from problematic sexual behaviors. With proper education, support, and self-awareness, men can develop a mature and integrated understanding of their sexuality.

Floyd Godfrey, PhD is a Clinical Sexologist and a Certified Sex Addiction Specialist. He has been guiding clients since 2000 and currently speaks and provides consulting and mental health coaching across the globe. To learn more about Floyd Godfrey, PhD please visit his website: www.FloydGodfrey.com.

References

Jolman, S. (2024). The sex talk you never got: Reclaiming the heart of masculine sexuality. Nelson Books, an imprint of Thomas Nelson.

Stringer, J. (2018). Unwanted: How sexual brokenness reveals our way to healing. NavPress.