By Floyd Godfrey, PhD

When men embark on the journey of healing from sexual addiction, they face a deep struggle not only with the addiction itself but also with underlying emotional wounds. Attending the 2024 Stand Strong conference in Dallas, I had the privilege of learning from Greg Miller, who shared profound insights into this topic. One of his key points was that unmet emotional desires play a significant role in creating distorted core beliefs, which can fuel addiction. As he explained, “We heal our way to a new core belief.” This process requires that men explore their unmet emotional desires and begin addressing them in order to establish solid recovery.

Emotional Desires and Core Beliefs

Miller's discussion at the conference revolved around seven core emotional desires that, when unmet, can contribute to the distorted beliefs often seen in those struggling with sexual addiction. These desires are:

1. To be heard and understood.
2. To be affirmed.
3. To be blessed.
4. To be safe.
5. To be touched (in non-sexual ways).
6. To be chosen.
7. To be included.

The lack of fulfillment of these desires often creates what Miller described as “emotional abandonment wounds—hard to identify. You don’t know what you missed if you never had it.” These wounds are often buried deep in an individual's past, leaving a trail of unmet emotional needs. When men do not explore this part of their history, Miller emphasized, “we take the pain of unmet desires into our relationships and hope for their fulfillment there.” Unfortunately, these unresolved desires can lead to unhealthy coping mechanisms, such as addiction.

The Role of Therapeutic and Coaching Interventions

Effective healing from sexual addiction is not just about behavioral change but about healing distorted core beliefs. Therapy plays a key role in identifying these unfulfilled emotional needs and providing a space for men to learn how to address them. Miller pointed out during his presentation that “distorted core beliefs are painful and lead to coping, or unhealthy solutions.” This explains why so many men find themselves turning to addiction to numb or cope with the unresolved pain of their past.

In therapeutic settings, it is crucial to explore these desires as part of the recovery process. For instance, when men marry, Miller explained that they often carry an invisible list of these unmet emotional desires into the relationship: “When we marry, we hand an invisible list of these desires to our spouse, and our expectation is for him/her to fulfill all the desires—and take care of the deficit too.” This unrealistic expectation places undue pressure on their spouse and often leads to disappointment and conflict within the marriage.

Educational Strategies for Healing

To foster solid recovery, it is vital that men recognize the importance of addressing these seven emotional desires. Therapists, counselors, and coaches can support men by guiding them through the process of identifying where these desires have been unmet in their lives and helping them find healthier ways to meet these needs. Whether it’s learning how to express the need to be affirmed or creating boundaries for feeling safe, men can begin to heal the emotional wounds that underlie their addictive behaviors.

In summary, recovery from sexual addiction is a multifaceted process that requires addressing deep emotional desires and the distorted core beliefs they create. Through therapeutic work and self-reflection, men can heal and, as Miller profoundly stated, “heal their way to a new core belief.” By acknowledging and addressing their emotional desires, they can build healthier relationships and break free from the cycle of addiction.

Floyd Godfrey, PhD, is a Clinical Sexologist and a Certified Sex Addiction Specialist. He has been guiding clients since 2000 and currently speaks and provides consulting and mental health coaching across the globe. To learn more about Floyd Godfrey, PhD, please visit his website: www.FloydGodfrey.com.

Reference
Laaser, D., & Miller, G. (2024, October). Seven Desires - Looking Past What Separates Us to Learn What Connects Us. Stand Strong - Mega National Christian Counseling Conference 2024. Dallas; Texas.