By Floyd Godfrey, PhD

The pain of intimate betrayal runs deep, especially for wives facing the fallout of their husband’s struggles with intimacy anorexia and pornography addiction. Over my career, I’ve observed the profound emotional distress this dynamic creates. It is a painful but understandable coping mechanism that unfolds within relationships plagued by betrayal and unmet needs for connection.

Understanding Intimacy Anorexia
Intimacy anorexia, as described by White and Milne (2017), is a condition where emotional intimacy is deliberately withheld within a relationship. They explain, “If one or both partners put up barriers, avoid, or withhold nurturing the relationship, intimacy anorexia can develop” (p. 74). Much like anorexia nervosa affects food intake, intimacy anorexia disrupts the emotional sustenance of a relationship. “Intimacy anorexia restricts the free flow of intimacy much the way food anorexia restricts the intake of food” (White & Milne, 2017, p. 74).

While pornography addiction is frequently linked to this condition, it’s crucial to understand that intimacy anorexia isn’t confined to one partner. Research indicates that “30 percent of women whose husbands are porn addicts suffer from intimacy anorexia” (White & Milne, 2017, p. 74). The relational dysfunction creates a feedback loop of emotional withdrawal and withholding, with both partners potentially becoming contributors.

The Role of Pornography Addiction
For men, pornography addiction often becomes the root cause of intimacy anorexia. The addict’s preoccupation with fantasy-based intimacy can overshadow the real connections needed within a marriage. White and Milne (2017) highlight, “A pornography addiction is a common cause of intimacy anorexia, especially for men” (p. 74). The partner of an addict, in turn, may develop intimacy anorexia as a defense mechanism. The same authors explain, “Because of the traumatic nature of the husband using pornography, women can develop intimacy anorexic tendencies too, and they begin withholding their love and attention from their husband in order to protect themselves from emotional pain or because they resent their husband” (p. 74).

This complex interplay of betrayal and withdrawal underscores the cyclical nature of the condition. As each partner pulls back emotionally, the possibility of rebuilding connection and trust diminishes, creating a relational impasse.

Therapeutic Strategies for Recovery
Addressing intimacy anorexia requires compassionate and structured interventions. Therapists and coaches can educate couples on identifying and dismantling their withholding behaviors. Using evidence-based approaches, including individual and couple’s therapy, helps foster emotional safety and rebuild intimacy. Guided support groups and workshops focused on pornography recovery and relational healing offer valuable tools for breaking the cycle of betrayal and avoidance.

Partners struggling with intimacy anorexia benefit from addressing their emotional wounds and trauma responses. Programs that integrate empathy-building exercises, honest communication, and accountability measures can aid recovery. For the addicted partner, ceasing pornography use and embracing vulnerability in relationships is essential. For the betrayed spouse, recognizing intimacy anorexia as a protective response—and working towards healing—is a critical step toward relational repair.

Through understanding and intervention, intimacy anorexia can be overcome. The journey toward reconnection may be challenging, but with the right resources, couples can regain emotional closeness and strengthen their bond.

Floyd Godfrey, PhD is a Clinical Sexologist and a Certified Sex Addiction Specialist. He has been guiding clients since 2000 and currently speaks and provides consulting and mental health coaching across the globe. To learn more about Floyd Godfrey, PhD please visit his website: www.FloydGodfrey.com.

References
White, C. P., & Milne, N. B. (2017). Love and betrayal: Stories of hope to help you heal from your husband’s pornography addiction. Cedar Fort.