By Floyd Godfrey, PhD

When a wife experiences betrayal, especially in the context of sexual addiction, her emotional world is often shattered. Through my clinical work with couples, I’ve witnessed many husbands struggle to understand their wife’s trauma response. It's essential for husbands to grasp that this response is not simply emotional outbursts but rather a survival mechanism—an intense reaction to the violation of trust, safety, and emotional intimacy.

Understanding the Trauma Response
A trauma response can manifest in many forms, from anger and rage to withdrawal and profound sadness. Husbands may find themselves on the receiving end of these intense emotions, often feeling confused or defensive. The reality is that their wife is responding to a deep sense of insecurity and fear, triggered by the betrayal. When trust is broken through infidelity or sexual addiction, it can leave her questioning everything in the relationship—her sense of self-worth, safety, and even reality.

From the outside, a husband's perspective may reduce his wife’s behavior to simple anger, frustration, or even accusations. However, beneath the surface, there is often a much more complex emotional experience. In many cases, anger is a secondary emotion masking a deeper anxiety or panic. At its core, this is a response to the sudden collapse of safety—the foundation upon which their relationship was built.

Recognizing the Underlying Fear and Anxiety
Husbands often misinterpret their wife’s anger as a personal attack, but it is crucial to recognize that the anger may be rooted in fear. This fear stems from a loss of control and vulnerability caused by the betrayal. For many wives, their anger is an attempt to regain control in a situation where they feel powerless. The betrayal has opened a wound that creates ongoing fear—fear of further betrayal, of emotional abandonment, or of not being enough.

In my experience, a husband’s defensiveness in response to his wife’s anger only intensifies the trauma. When he responds with defensiveness or attempts to rationalize his actions, it can exacerbate her fear and push her deeper into the trauma cycle. She begins to believe that her pain is not being seen or acknowledged, which reinforces the narrative that she is alone in her suffering.

Responding with Patience and Compassion
So, how should a husband respond when his wife is having a trauma response following betrayal? First and foremost, he must practice patience. Her trauma is not something that can be "fixed" overnight. It requires time, space, and most importantly, compassion. The husband must understand that her reactions, no matter how overwhelming, are valid responses to the deep emotional injury she has sustained.

Rather than responding defensively, a husband should approach his wife with empathy. Phrases such as, “I see that you are hurting,” or “I can understand why you feel so afraid right now,” can begin to create an atmosphere of safety. Validating her experience is the first step toward helping her navigate the trauma.

Additionally, husbands in recovery from sexual addiction should recognize that their own actions, or inactions, will either help resolve the trauma response or aggravate it. By staying present, offering consistent support, and seeking professional help when needed, husbands can show their wives that they are committed to rebuilding trust. Importantly, the husband must own his role in the betrayal and take responsibility without making excuses or deflecting blame.

Helping Her Heal
Healing from the trauma of betrayal takes both time and effort. Wives need to see that their husbands are willing to engage in their own recovery, while also remaining supportive of their wife’s healing process. It’s not enough for husbands to say they are committed to recovery; they must show it through their actions—by being accountable, transparent, and consistently working on themselves.

In my clinical work, I’ve seen that husbands who approach their wife’s trauma response with compassion and an open heart are able to foster an environment where healing can occur. Their wives, over time, begin to feel safe again, allowing the trauma response to subside. The journey is long and often painful, but with dedication and empathy, couples can rebuild their relationship on a foundation stronger than before.

Floyd Godfrey, PhD, is a Clinical Sexologist and a Certified Sex Addiction Specialist. He has been guiding clients since 2000 and currently speaks and provides consulting and mental health coaching across the globe. To learn more about Floyd Godfrey, PhD, please visit his website: www.FloydGodfrey.com.