By Floyd Godfrey, PhD

Shock and Fear

The discovery that a child has been viewing pornography can be deeply unsettling for any parent. As Weiss and Glaser (2021) explain, "Learning about a child's pornography use can feel like a crisis to any parent. And when a crisis hits, we often feel that we must act immediately to solve the problem" (p. 116). This urgent desire to react is natural, but often unhelpful. The first challenge for parents is managing their own emotional response. The “fear cycle,” a common psychological pattern triggered by shock or uncertainty, often leads parents to make hasty decisions, either by harshly clamping down or by emotionally withdrawing.

This fear cycle is driven by anxiety and a desire for control. Parents may feel they’ve failed or that their child is in moral or psychological danger. The instinct to restore order quickly, while understandable, can actually hinder healing. According to Weiss and Glaser (2021), "... parents serve their kids best when they first acknowledge and work through their own pain before trying to fix their kid's problem. Parents who don't do this often end up trying to feel better in one of two ways: pulling away or clamping down" (p. 116). Both reactions, though opposite, stem from the same inner distress.

Looking Inward Before Acting Outward

Rather than reacting impulsively, parents are encouraged to pause and reflect. Weiss and Glaser (2021) offer this wisdom: "Look within your heart for signs of an impulse either to pull away or to control" (p. 117). This internal self-check is an essential first step. Parents who neglect this process may externalize their discomfort through overreactions or silence, which can inadvertently increase shame in their child.

Moreover, in households with two caregivers, reactions may diverge. "When two parents are involved, sometimes one will withdraw while the other will try to control. This may cause additional tension in the marriage, as each parent perceives the other to be mishandling the situation" (Weiss & Glaser, 2021, p. 117). If not addressed, this dissonance can create further relational stress within the family system, leaving the child feeling even more isolated or blamed.

Educational Strategies for Parents

After managing their initial emotional response, parents can move toward education. Pornography exposure among youth is increasingly common due to unrestricted internet access, early sexual development, and peer influence. According to research by Patrick Carnes and other experts in the field of sexual addiction, early exposure to pornography can interfere with healthy neurological development and may lead to compulsive behaviors over time (Carnes, 2013).

Education allows parents to move from panic to perspective. Learning about the addictive nature of pornography, the neurological effects on developing brains, and the commonality of exposure can help reduce shame, both for the parent and the child. A well-informed parent is more likely to approach the issue with empathy rather than anger.

Therapeutic and Coaching Interventions

Seeking support through therapy or coaching can provide crucial guidance. A Certified Sex Addiction Specialist (CSAS) or trained mental health coach can help families navigate these sensitive discussions, assess for compulsive behavior, and create a plan for recovery. Therapeutic involvement shifts the dynamic from one of punishment to one of partnership in healing.

Additionally, involving a professional helps reinforce that the issue is being taken seriously while also modeling emotional regulation and healthy communication. Parents should aim to build trust, encourage open dialogue, and offer resources rather than punishment.

Building Hope for the Future

Facing a child's pornography use can feel overwhelming, but it is not insurmountable. By first acknowledging their own emotions, parents set the stage for healthier interactions and more effective support. With education, therapeutic guidance, and a commitment to compassionate engagement, families can grow stronger through the process. Healing is possible when fear is replaced by understanding and reaction is replaced by relationship.

Floyd Godfrey, PhD is a Clinical Sexologist and a Certified Sex Addiction Specialist. He has been guiding clients since 2000 and currently speaks and provides consulting and mental health coaching across the globe. To learn more about Floyd Godfrey, PhD please visit his website: www.FloydGodfrey.com.

References

Carnes, P. (2013). Facing the shadow: Starting sexual and relationship recovery. Gentle Path Press.

Weiss, D., & Glaser, J. (2021). Treading boldly through a pornographic world: A field guide for parents. Salem Press.