By Floyd Godfrey, PhD

Throughout my clinical experience as a Certified Sex Addiction Specialist, I have witnessed firsthand the complex dynamics involved in disclosures of infidelity and betrayal. Disclosures can either promote healing or cause further harm, depending on how they are handled. Unfortunately, many disclosures in the aftermath of intimate betrayal are dysfunctional, creating more pain and confusion for the betrayed partner. Navigating this emotional minefield requires a skilled approach, which is why it’s essential for both partners to work with a trained sex addiction specialist to facilitate the process.

In many cases, partners experience what is known as staggered disclosure. This occurs when the betraying partner reveals only partial truths over time, prolonging the pain and mistrust in the relationship. According to Stefanie Carnes (2020), "Staggered disclosure typically starts when the betrayed partner finds out about some aspect of the cheating. The [addict] attempts to minimize the impact of his or her betrayal by only admitting to the minimum amount of information. [Later] the betrayed partner discovers more information and the process repeats" (p. 24). From a clinical perspective, staggered disclosure can be particularly damaging, as it reinforces patterns of dishonesty and erodes trust further. Each new revelation re-traumatizes the betrayed partner, making it harder to rebuild intimacy and connection.

Another highly dysfunctional form of disclosure occurs when the participating partner engages in a “dumping” disclosure. Carnes describes this harmful approach: "Another highly dysfunctional form of disclosure occurs when the participating partner dumps all of the information at once to assuage his or her guilt" (p. 24). In these situations, the betraying partner overwhelms their spouse with a barrage of information in a single, unprocessed dump. The intention may be to clear their conscience, but this approach can be just as damaging as withholding the truth. Betrayed partners often feel blindsided, emotionally overwhelmed, and unable to process the magnitude of the betrayal all at once. Instead of fostering healing, dumping disclosures compound the trauma by forcing the betrayed partner to confront everything at once without the necessary emotional support or structure to handle it.

The Role of a Sex Addiction Specialist

In my practice, I have found that a sex addiction specialist plays a critical role in guiding couples through the complex process of disclosure. Without professional intervention, disclosures tend to become dysfunctional, either through the staggered approach or the dumping approach. A trained therapist can help facilitate a structured and compassionate disclosure process that allows both partners to move toward healing.

Therapeutically guided disclosure sessions ensure that both parties are emotionally prepared for the conversation. For the addict, this means disclosing all necessary information in a transparent and honest manner while avoiding overwhelming their partner with too much detail at once. For the betrayed partner, this process allows them to absorb and process the information in a way that is manageable and emotionally safe. Through professional guidance, the couple can engage in a disclosure process that promotes healing, rather than prolonging or deepening the wounds of betrayal.

Harm from Dysfunctional Disclosures

The harm caused by dysfunctional disclosures, whether staggered or dumping, cannot be overstated. Betrayed partners already face intense emotional pain and confusion, and dysfunctional disclosures only serve to exacerbate these feelings. When betrayal is revealed in a chaotic or piecemeal fashion, it becomes nearly impossible for the betrayed partner to regain their sense of reality. They may begin to question not only their relationship but their own judgment and self-worth as well.

Furthermore, dysfunctional disclosures can perpetuate cycles of mistrust. Even when the betraying partner eventually discloses everything, the cumulative damage of staggered or dumping disclosures can make it exceedingly difficult to rebuild trust. This is why professional support is so vital in these situations. Sex addiction specialists help navigate the difficult conversations that must take place for the couple to begin healing, offering structure and emotional safety.

Conclusion

Facilitating healthy disclosures is one of the most important tasks in helping couples recover from intimate betrayal. Dysfunctional disclosures, whether staggered or dumping, inflict additional harm and prolong the healing process. A sex addiction specialist provides the guidance necessary to navigate the disclosure process in a way that fosters understanding, trust, and emotional healing. By addressing these issues early and with professional support, couples can begin to rebuild their relationship and move toward a future that is not defined by betrayal, but by transparency and connection.

Floyd Godfrey, PhD is a Clinical Sexologist and a Certified Sex Addiction Specialist. He has been guiding clients since 2000 and currently speaks and provides consulting and mental health coaching across the globe. To learn more about Floyd Godfrey, PhD please visit his website: www.FloydGodfrey.com.

References
Carnes, S. (2020). Courageous Love - A Couples Guide to Conquering Betrayal. Gentle Path Press.