By Dr. Floyd Godfrey

Sexual addiction not only impacts the spiritual health of individuals but also creates an unmanageable and chaotic existence. As Carnes, Delmonico, and Griffin (2001) explain, “The addiction surfaces in addicts’ inability to manage their lives” (p. 48). This inability manifests in several ways, including damaged relationships, neglected responsibilities, and a growing sense of despair. Addressing this issue requires recognizing the toll of unmanageability, understanding the roots of despair, and seeking God’s grace to rebuild a meaningful life.

The Chaos of a Double Life
Addicts often lead double lives, striving to keep their secret behaviors hidden from the world. This duplicity creates immense stress, as “addicts are caught up in the task of keeping their secret lives from affecting their 'public' lives” (Carnes et al., 2001, p. 48). The energy required to maintain this facade drains individuals emotionally and spiritually, leaving them vulnerable to deeper despair. Over time, the disparity between their public image and private reality becomes a heavy burden that isolates them from others and from their true selves.

The Cost of Unmanageability
Unmanageability is a hallmark of addiction, affecting every area of life. Carnes et al. describe its far-reaching impact: “The unmanageability takes its toll. Family relationships and friendships are abbreviated and sacrificed. Hobbies are neglected, finances are adversely affected, and physical needs are unattended” (2001, p. 48). Addicts may find themselves estranged from loved ones, burdened by financial crises, or facing health problems due to their inability to prioritize self-care. This cycle of neglect leads to further isolation and reinforces feelings of shame and hopelessness.

Isolation and Its Paradox
Isolation is both a symptom and a perpetuator of addiction. The authors highlight how this separation from others deepens an addict's struggles: “Without those human connections, addicts paradoxically lose touch with their own selves” (Carnes et al., 2001, p. 49). The more isolated an individual becomes, the harder it is to recognize their value and purpose. Furthermore, online platforms and cybersex amplify the problem, feeding into the need for isolation and distancing individuals from real-world accountability: “As we have already noted, the internet and cybersex feed perfectly into the need for isolation” (Carnes et al., 2001, p. 49).

The Role of Shame and Despair
Shame compounds the unmanageability of addiction, as individuals repeatedly violate their own values. Carnes et al. observe, “The lifestyles of addicts become a consistent violation of their own values, compounding their shame” (2001, p. 48). This internal conflict creates a profound sense of despair, which can trap addicts in a vicious cycle of behavior and remorse. Despair feeds on the belief that change is impossible, leaving individuals feeling unworthy of love and redemption.

Relying on God for Restoration
In the midst of despair and unmanageability, there is hope in turning to God. Isaiah 41:10 provides a promise of comfort: “Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Acknowledging the chaos and seeking God’s guidance is the first step toward healing. By confessing struggles and embracing accountability within a supportive faith community, individuals can rebuild their lives with renewed purpose and strength.

Conclusion
Despair and unmanageability are devastating consequences of sexual addiction. The toll on relationships, personal well-being, and spiritual health is profound, but it is not the end of the story. When individuals confront the reality of their struggles and turn to God’s redemptive power, they can begin the journey toward restoration. For those grappling with sexual addiction, there is hope in God’s love and in the support of compassionate, Christ-centered communities.

Floyd Godfrey, PhD is a Board Certified Christian Counselor and has facilitated groups within different churches and denominations over the past 30 years. He worked as a licensed clinician for 23 years and provided supervision and training for other counselors as they worked toward independent licensure. You can read more about Floyd Godfrey PhD at www.FloydGodfrey.com.

References
Carnes, P., Delmonico, D., & Griffin, E. (2001). In the Shadows of the Net: Breaking Free of Compulsive Online Sexual Behavior. Hazelden.