By Dr. Floyd Godfrey
In a culture where romance is often portrayed as spontaneous and effortless, many couples become discouraged when their relationship doesn't naturally maintain its early passion. The truth is, lasting intimacy doesn't thrive on spontaneity alone. It must be nurtured through deliberate and thoughtful action.
Clifford and Joyce Penner, renowned Christian counselors and speakers, address this reality clearly: “Spontaneity won’t carry healthy sexuality through a lifetime. It will need to be deliberate. Anticipation of ‘planned’ times builds quality. Make a decision to consciously plan for intimate moments” (Penner & Penner, 2025).
This perspective isn’t just practical, it’s biblical. In marriage, love is a covenant, not a feeling. It must be expressed intentionally, both in daily life and in private moments. Couples who approach intimacy with care and commitment often find their connection growing stronger over time.
The Myth of Spontaneity
While spontaneous moments of affection are wonderful, they are not enough to sustain a healthy relationship long-term. Real life is full of demands: jobs, children, health issues, and responsibilities. Waiting for "just the right moment" often leads to weeks or months of emotional and physical distance.
Instead, planning for intimacy can create a rhythm of connection that strengthens the bond between husband and wife. Setting aside intentional time doesn’t make the experience less meaningful; it makes it more sacred. Couples who plan for intimacy communicate that their relationship is a priority.
A Practical Formula for Daily Intimacy
Penner and Penner offer a simple, powerful formula to help couples rekindle and maintain closeness. By dedicating just 15 minutes a day, couples can engage emotionally, spiritually, and physically in meaningful ways that don’t feel overwhelming or forced.
1. Connect Emotionally (5 minutes)
Take time to look into each other's eyes and share an affirmation, thought, or feeling. This creates a safe space for vulnerability. Emotional intimacy is often the foundation for all other forms of closeness.
2. Connect Spiritually (5 minutes)
Read a Bible verse together, share a short devotional thought, or pray out loud. Inviting God into your relationship each day helps ground your marriage in faith and unity. It also builds trust and mutual understanding as you grow together spiritually.
3. Connect Physically (5 minutes)
Engage in simple, non-sexual physical touch. Try a 20-second hug, which boosts oxytocin (the bonding hormone), or share a kiss that lasts between 5 and 30 seconds, with no pressure for it to lead to sex. Interestingly, the Penners note that “the person who has difficulty kissing should lead,” giving them time and space to engage at their comfort level.
These practices may seem small, but over time they build a deep reservoir of connection. They re-establish the pattern of intimacy that many couples lose as life becomes more complicated.
Planning With Purpose
Rather than waiting for the "right time" to be close, couples should create space for it. Whether it’s a regular date night, scheduled alone time after the kids are in bed, or a weekend getaway every few months, intentional planning makes intimacy more likely to happen and more satisfying when it does.
Couples may resist this at first, fearing that planning removes the romance. But the opposite is true. Anticipation increases emotional and physical desire. When both partners know that time has been set aside just for them, they enter that space with more focus, more care, and more enthusiasm.
Intimacy as a Spiritual Practice
In Christian marriage, intimacy is not merely about pleasure, it’s about unity. God designed husbands and wives to become one in body, soul, and spirit. Planning time for connection honors that design.
The Apostle Paul wrote, “Do not deprive one another… so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control” (1 Corinthians 7:5, ESV). Intimacy protects the marriage bond and helps couples walk in step with each other emotionally and spiritually.
When couples take even 15 minutes a day to invest in their connection, they are not only improving their relationship, they are building a legacy. Children, extended family, and the church all benefit when marriages are strong and healthy.
Floyd Godfrey PhD is a Board Certified Christian Counselor and has facilitated groups within different churches and denominations over the past 30 years. He worked as a licensed clinician for 23 years and provided supervision and training for other counselors as they worked toward independent licensure. You can read more about Floyd Godfrey PhD at www.FloydGodfrey.com.
Reference
Penner, C., & Penner, J. (2025, September). Building, Maintaining & Rekindling Intimacy in Relationships. AACC 2025 World Conference. Nashville; Tennessee.
